“P.T. 109” by Jimmy Dean (1962, #8)

One person’s view:  “[T]he types of people who find naval combat fascinating are just not the sorts who know how to pen a quality pop tune.” – Nic Renshaw @ Pop Goes the Year

The public’s view:  2.43 / 5.00

As some have observed, Jimmy Dean was a lot like Tommy Lee.  First he was famous for his music, but now he’s better known for his sausage.  Let’s see if we can figure out why Dean’s songs have faded away while his eponymous breakfast meats continue to keep cardiologists busy.

Dean’s most memorable release was “Big Bad John”, a story song about a hulking man who saved the lives of his coworkers during a mine collapse.  After that record hit #1 and won him various accolades, Dean couldn’t quite move on from it.  He kept trying to recapture the magic by making sequels to “Big Bad John”, which would have been easier if he hadn’t killed off the title character at the end of the song.  One such sequel had John miraculously emerge from the wreckage of the mine, despite being permanently entombed there under a marble monument in the original story.  He was underground and dead again in the next song, and the narrative moved on to his son “Little Bitty Big John”.  Dean should have signed up as a writer for General Hospital, because John’s saga was turning into a bad soap opera.

With “P.T. 109”, Dean took a slight detour – and I do mean slight.  This one was a Johnny Horton-style military march that told the tale of a different hero named John.  Of course, the P.T. 109 story had already been drummed into all of America’s heads by the Kennedy campaign a couple of years earlier.  When Dean discloses that the guy in the song is the President, it isn’t exactly a stunning plot twist.

I suspect that the hagiography didn’t sit well with a lot of people in 1962, because Kennedy was still an active political figure who was expected to run in another election.  You can imagine the outcry if radio stations today played a song praising Pete Buttigieg.  Dean had no way of knowing this at the time, but if he had held this record back until the end of ‘63 he probably would have had another #1 single.

One thing I like about “P.T. 109” is its sing-along chorus.  Yes, I know we shouldn’t revel in the destruction of a U.S. naval vessel, but that chorus is a rollicking good time.  The catchy melody contrasts with “Big Bad John”, which is almost a spoken word affair.  On the other hand, it’s way too easy to write lyrics like these when a great story of heroism, patriotism, and survival is sitting out there in the public domain.  “P.T. 109” adds little, if anything, to what was widely known.

To prove how trivial it is to write a story song from true events, I’ve penned some lyrics about the only president from my lifetime who had a similar moment of combat valor:  George H.W. Bush.  As a bonus, I managed to write my song without using any slurs and without mocking the enemy’s “heathen gods”.  You can find my work below.  It is to be performed in the style of “Big Bad John”.  Now all I need is a sing-along chorus, and I’ve got a hit.

My rating:  5 / 10  (This is for “P.T. 109”.  My song is a 10 / 10.)

The Ballad of George Herbert Walker Bush

You know all about John Kennedy
But you haven’t heard about the Barbara III
The plane flown by a lanky man named George

The Japanese were at their island base
When bombs started falling all over the place
It was a special delivery from Uncle Sam and George

The enemy fired with deadly aim
And our skilled pilot wasn’t to blame
But it would be a fateful day for preppy George

The Barbara III took a lethal hit
The turret gunner said “Oh shit,
I’m jumping with my chute now, goodbye George!”

“Those guys down there aren’t very nice.
They’ll put us on a plate with soy and rice.
Try not to bail ‘til we’re over sea,” said George

Four hours adrift with sharks around
Most of the men were caught or drowned
The only one to make it home was George

The war is over, Mr. Truman said
George just scoffed and said, “Not ‘til I’m dead.
Vengeance has a name, and that name is George.”

This man was a patriot, brave and true
He knew his mission was still not through
There would be one last attack from George

It took him years to make his plans
He kissed some butts and he shook some hands
But diplomacy was all an act for George

He embraced economics of a voodoo kind
And spent eight years just stuck in line
If the Senate ties or Ronnie dies, call George

One last man stood in his way
A Democrat from Massachusetts Bay
“I bet he likes to burn the flag,” said George

Well, he threw some mud and won 40 states
But 47 years was long to wait
He could really bide his time, that clever George

He was losing his job to Bill or to Ross
When he came eye to eye with the Tokyo boss
It was now or never for Operation George

“You shot me down and ate my friends.
It’s too late now to make amends.
You’re about to feel my wrath,” said President George

That was when he got his chance
He spewed his barf on the Prime Minister’s pants
“I won’t pay for the dry cleaning,” sneered George

He showed Japan who won the fight
He totally ruined their dinner that night
But there was still one final speech from George

“You may think my revenge is done,
But you haven’t met my frat boy son.
The whole world will live in fear of a man named George.”