One person’s view: “[T]eenage siblings should not take on the roles of star-crossed lovers pining for each other from opposite sides of a mountain. People don’t want to hear it.” – Nic Renshaw @ Pop Goes the Year
The public’s view: 1.59 / 5.00
When I was a teenager in the 1980s, people seemed to be embarrassed that the 1970s had ever existed. Aside from Star Wars and a handful of classic rock songs that were stuck on repeat on the radio, the cultural artifacts of the decade were now seen as shameful mistakes made by a primitive, ignorant, and immoral society. I was sure that some of the adults I knew had once danced to disco, watched Rhoda, or hosted a fondue party, but none of them wanted to talk about it.
It wasn’t until 1989 or so that the stigma surrounding the ‘70s began to wear off. The decade’s cast-aside icons, such as John Travolta and Jimmy Carter, eventually returned from exile to become cool, rad, and groovy once again. The reign of the Osmonds, however, is still generally viewed as a cringeworthy goof that must be erased from humanity’s timeline. Sure, Donny had a brief comeback as a singer, but he succeeded only by imitating George Michael and leaving his old image behind. Other than an occasional spin of “One Bad Apple” on an oldies station, it’s as if the family’s abundant 1970s output has ceased to exist. This is an unlucky break for all of us who were waiting on the 50th Anniversary Edition re-release of Goin’ Coconuts in 2028. I was hoping we’d get a director’s cut that restores the controversial nude scenes.
While I’ve already covered the Osmond family in the “Puppy Love” entry, their endeavors in the field of Bad Top Ten Hits are so extensive that they merit a second post. “Morning Side of the Mountain” is Donny and Marie’s remake of a Tommy Edwards song from the 1950s. It is about a couple who would be perfect for each other, but they are fated to never meet because they reside on opposite sides of a mountain. In the world outlined by this song, mountains are impassable obstacles. Nobody climbs mountains or goes around them, and tunnels are dismissed as infeasible and foolish. People are born on one side of a mountain or the other, and that is where they will live and die.
I prefer to think of the mountain as a metaphor for any type
of impediment that might prevent a person from finding his or her true
love. For example, right now there’s a
young lady in Bluefield, Virginia whose ideal husband lives on an isolated
small island in the Bay of Bengal. Ekɖaik Məəŋɖa-bāī is the only man on the
planet who meets Miley Rae’s exacting age and height requirements, possesses no
disqualifying political opinions, and enjoys canoeing, jewelry making, and long
walks on a tropical beach. They even
have similar dietary preferences. Ekɖaik subsists solely on fish that he has
caught himself, and Miley Rae also plans to become a pescatarian just as soon
as Dairy Queen brings back their tilapia sliders. However, she has foolishly configured
her Bumble account to only show matches within 5,000 miles, so she doesn’t
learn of his existence. And if the two
of them were ever to hook up after a chance meeting in a Holiday Inn lounge, Ekɖaik would perish soon afterward because his
tribe has not acquired immunity to the chemicals in Miley Rae’s hair
conditioner.
The futility of love
is a great topic for a song, and “Morning Side of the Mountain” describes it in
poetic fashion. It reminds us that virtually
everyone who chooses to participate in the game of romance is settling for someone
inadequate, while missing out on millions of better options. And, although Tommy Edwards did an OK job on
the original, this is one of those rare cases where you can justify turning a
song into a duet. Unfortunately, there
is no justification for making this into a duet between Donny Osmond and his
sister Marie.
It isn’t just that the
implications are gross, though they are.
It’s that a brother and sister are the diametric opposite of the couple
that is described in the lyrics. They
aren’t just from the same side of the mountain – they are from the same family. While the couple in the song existed in complete
unawareness of each other, Donny and Marie were having typical household
arguments about Donny getting crumbs in the margarine and Marie using up three
entire tubes of toothpaste each time she brushed. There’s also a grating smugness to their teenage
voices, and the 1950s-style orchestration only makes it worse. Even Paul Anka, who was an actual 1950s act,
had the courtesy to update his sound for the 1970s as part of his comeback.
Although I give the
siblings credit for resurrecting a worthwhile song that was languishing in
obscurity, they are exactly the wrong people to be singing it. And I have to describe their version with a
word that wasn’t used more than once or twice in the entire run of the Donny
and Marie TV variety show: shitty. That’s something that both sides of the
mountain can agree on.
My rating: 3 / 10
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