“I’ve Never Been to Me” by Charlene (1982, #3)

One person’s view:  “[I]t’s trying to present itself as a wise moral lesson for the audience, but instead it just comes across as sappy and dumb.” – Valeyard’s Music Corner

The public’s view:  2.22 / 5.00

Hey reader.  You, reader, cursing at this site.  I have this need to tell you about Charlene’s “I’ve Never Been to Me”.  Now would be a good time to flee to Georgia, or California, or anywhere you can run.

“I’ve Never Been to Me” is sung from the perspective of an aging woman who has led an amazing life of luxury and hedonistic excess.  Naturally, she regrets it all.  I assume it’s because she has failed to prepare herself financially for retirement.  Goofing around in the Mediterranean isn’t the kind of job that comes with a 401k plan.  She wishes she hadn’t divorced the preacher whom she wed long ago, even though he was a domineering control freak who wouldn’t let her consort with kings and billionaires.  She is determined to complain to someone about her discontent, and she spies a harried housewife who is simply trying to make it through the day without a complete meltdown.  Aha, this will be the perfect victim for a lengthy harangue and some unsolicited marriage advice.

The setting of “I’ve Never Been to Me” is never specified, but it’s obvious that the housewife was not having much fun even before the rant took place.  I imagine that she’s at the grocery with her horrible little boy who is running around and knocking stuff off the shelves.  She’s struggling to buy all of the items on her shopping list without overdrawing the family’s checking account.  She would like to get the generic no-name version of Cheerios to save 60 cents, but she knows that the rat hairs in the box always trigger little Buford Jr.’s asthma.  Then along comes Charlene, telling her that the French Riviera is overrated and she should be thankful that she will never be able to go there.  The housewife should make an answer song called “I Lost My Temper at Kroger (And You Would Have Too)”.  I’ve written the first few lines:

Hey lady, old lady
Please get out of my face
Can’t you see that I am busy
The Isle of Greece is not a real place

I know you like to brag about
The things that you once did
If you really want to help me out
You’ll adopt my rotten kid

“I’ve Never Been to Me” was recorded way back in 1976, but its first release as a single only made it to #97 on the Hot 100.  Few would have heard it if not for Scott Shannon, a radio DJ who had a knack for rediscovering forgotten older records and turning them into hits.  I can understand why it caught Shannon’s ear, because it has a nice melody, a good singer, and memorably tone-deaf lyrics that I can’t believe anyone would say out loud.  It’s like a more extreme version of “Sometimes When We Touch”.  I can think of only one ‘80s hit whose narrator is both less likable and more delusional:  “Into the Night” by Benny Mardones.  The singer of “Into the Night” complains about the “fools” who object to his seduction of an underage girl.  Shannon helped revive that song too.  Nice job, Scott.  Matt Gaetz sends his thanks.

At a cursory level, “I’ve Never Been to Me” comes across as a denunciation of the women’s lib movement and a defense of traditional marriage.  It’s impossible to take that message seriously, though, because the narrator is such a ridiculous person.  She has an entirely atypical biography, yet she extrapolates a universal lesson from it and imposes it on a complete stranger.  She tries to convince the housewife that it’s best to never have great experiences so that she won’t be bitter when the fun inevitably comes to an end.  It’s as if Tom Brady went around giving demotivational speeches to young athletes, telling them that he’s sorry he won 7 Super Bowls because it sucks to know he won’t ever make it to 8.  And guys should date only ugly girls, because if they marry a supermodel they’ll eventually split up.

Although “I’ve Never Been to Me” is considered by many to be one of the worst songs ever made, I don’t hate it like I should.  It’s just too catchy and too quirky, and it has continued to take up room in my head more than 40 years after it permanently disappeared from the radio.  Last year I visited Monte Carlo, and I ought to have been fascinated by all of the weird expensive cars, the casino that has been in a bunch of movies, and the bewildered looks on the locals’ faces when asked for directions to the nearest Waffle House.  Instead, all I could think about was Charlene.  This was the very spot where she had moved like Harlow!  Maybe someday I’ll visit the Isle of Greece.

My rating:  5 / 10