One person’s view: “Terrible ballad that hit number two but is justifiably forgotten today.” – DonKarnage @ Rate Your Music
The public’s view: 1.64 / 5.00
I gave a horrendous review to the Phil Collins & Marilyn Martin duet “Separate Lives” on my #1 hits blog, but I admit to having some reluctant admiration for it. It is a song that sets out to punish the listener and ruin part of his day, and it thoroughly succeeds. “Friends and Lovers” is a different beast entirely. It was not the product of an experienced team that consciously decided to rain pestilence down upon the world. It’s an amateurish endeavor that somehow bumbled its way up the charts, and yet – without even trying – still managed to rival “Separate Lives” as one of the most monumentally annoying ballads of the mid-1980s.
The premise of “Friends and Lovers” is that two people, portrayed by Gloria Loring and Carl Anderson, have been platonic buddies for a long time and now plan to start having sex with each other. Why didn’t either of them think of this earlier? Was one of them stuck in another romance until now? No, there’s nothing that even hints at this. These two 40-year-olds just happened to look down their pants for the first time in their lives and figured out that there are parts they could be using more effectively. The song’s bridge would be the ideal place to offer a different explanation, but instead we get such amazing lines as “I’ve been through you, you’ve been through me.” “Friends and Lovers” was almost certainly the product of a lyricist on a tight deadline.
The track was produced by three individuals, including Carl Anderson himself, and it seems that none of the three ever worked on other pop songs of note. The instrumentation they devised for “Friends and Lovers” serves only to highlight just how bad the concept and lyrics are, and if I didn’t know better I would think they were mocking the turd they were told to polish. The dreadfully slow tempo and soft strings heighten the anticipation for drama that never arrives. The abrupt “buh-bang” after the words “friend” and “lover” is a musical exclamation point that punctuates the couple’s trite declarations as if they have just discovered a relationship principle that no one else knows. Maybe they should share some other axioms of romance with us. “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Ta-da! Give your girlfriend jewelry for her birthday, not office supplies you stole from work. Sha-boom!” Every epiphany deserves a sound effect.
When I forced myself to listen to “Friends and Lovers” before writing this entry, I was surprised that the singing was much better than I remembered from those dark days in 1986 when it was all over the radio. There isn’t a great deal of personality on display, but Loring is capable and Anderson does his best to make something out of this weak material. The two of them comprise a solid “B” team for an ‘80s duet, as opposed to “A” teams like Patti Austin & James Ingram. That’s perfect for this scenario, because you wouldn’t want to embarrass one of your “A” teams by having them sing these ridiculous lyrics.
Let’s compare “Friends and Lovers” with its peer “Separate Lives”. “Separate Lives” finds so many ways to irritate: the lengthy opening monologue that wastes our time; the barely noticeable melody that leads nowhere; the depressing subject matter made worse by the bitterness, blame, and whining; and the video that doubles down on the most awful things about the song. It is a true “A” team duet, with both singers fully utilizing their talents, yet the vocal arrangement is engineered to inflict pain. “Separate Lives” is a masterpiece of calculated malevolence, the musical equivalent of Senator Mitch McConnell. I find it morbidly fascinating.
“Friends and Lovers” might have matched that level of infamy if everyone had been on board with the mission, but Gloria Loring treated it as a serious work that she thought people might actually like. Because of the genuine effort that she and Carl Anderson put into their performance, I can’t give it my lowest rating. In some ways, however, it leaves a less desirable legacy than the few hits that are scored lower. The screed I’ve posted today is probably the most anyone has written about “Friends and Lovers” – and a good chunk of it focuses on an entirely different record. Instead of being remembered as something uniquely unpleasant, the song is now barely remembered at all.
My rating: 2 / 10
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