One critic’s view: “I realize there’s a place in this world for quieter songs, but this song is so slow I think the tempo is written in negative numbers.” – Todd in the Shadows
The public’s view: 2.13 / 5.00
I will say this for Lionel Richie: his songs are the absolute opposite of misogyny. He always expresses an almost servile sense of admiration for women. Maybe there’s an exception lurking deep in his discography, a nasty diatribe in which Lionel calls his Aunt Flossie a bitch or something like that, but I doubt it. Even his two big Commodores songs about the joys of ending a relationship – “Easy” and “Sail On” – are so mellow and relaxed that it’s hard to detect much bitterness toward the ladies involved. I think the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame decided to induct Richie and Eminem in the same year so that they would cancel each other out.
“Ballerina Girl” fits right in with Richie’s fawning-over-awesome-females addiction. My research reveals that he wrote it for a young girl named Nicole who Lionel and his wife were in the process of adopting as their daughter. I am sure I originally heard this fact on American Top 40 back in 1987 but declined to commit it to memory. I needed the brain space for more captivating and useful information, like the chemical formula for Altoids and the names of the 100 largest cities in Pennsylvania. I guess I’ve always tried to avoid knowing anything about “Ballerina Girl”. Many other music fans share my antipathy for the tune. It has been rated as our mustachioed friend’s worst hit single, and it serves as a sad punctuation mark at the end of his long string of top tens.
One of the problems with “Ballerina Girl” is that it is
quite specific compared to Richie’s other ballads. “Truly” was never going to spur a listener to
jubilantly bounce his butt around on the dance floor, but at least it was a
heartfelt general-purpose love song. “Ballerina
Girl”, on the other hand, is relatable only to ballerinas and those who adore them. That isn’t much of an audience because, as
actor Timothée Chalamet was recently
praised for pointing out, ballet is not very popular anymore. It peaked in the 1800s and has declined ever
since. The typical modern family doesn’t
attend a ballet more than a couple times a month, and most folks are entirely unfamiliar
with the nomenclature of the sport. They
think that an arabesque is a type of horse
and a grand jeté is the big stream of
water that spouts from the low-rise drinking fountains that you find in Parisian
hotel bathrooms. Even Nicole Richie seems
to have abandoned her ballet ambitions, focusing her talents on slightly less
pointless pursuits such as TikTokking and unscripted television. She was appointed Ambassador of Urban Decay
in 2017, with no senators of either party opposing her confirmation to this
post. (Add this to the file of 100% true
facts that you probably think I made up.)
I haven’t heard much about her recent activities, but I doubt that she’s
trying to eke out a living performing Swan
Lake in front of three people.
For the 99.9238% of
us who have no interest in ballet, “Ballerina Girl” is just a man bragging
about his daughter. We may as well
listen to a song called “Thin Mint Sales Champ” or “Spelling Bee Brat”. But at least Lionel made sure to accompany
his praise of Nicole with some of the most boring music in a pop hit since the Great
Soft Rock Apocalypse of 1981.
My rating: 3 / 10
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