“Worst That Could Happen” by the Brooklyn Bridge (1969, #3)

One person’s view:  “[A]n ex-girlfriend who you explicitly do not want to marry getting married is quite possibly the least appropriate situation to make all about your stupid hurt feelings, and it shitsure doesn’t deserve the garish, wailing delivery and straight-faced trumpeting fanfares this song delivers.” – Nic Renshaw @ Pop Goes the Year

The public’s view:  3.02 / 5.00

The nine-member Serendipity Singers probably thought they would be the largest conglomeration to be featured on this blog, but today they are topped.  The Brooklyn Bridge consisted of eleven people, which is what happens when you merge a doo-wop vocal trio with a seven-member horns-and-keyboard band.  (The combination still wouldn’t have added up to eleven musicians, except that one of these two ensembles was called the Rhythm Method.  As anyone who has used the rhythm method can tell you, an extra unwanted person always appears at some point.)  With such a large group, a Brooklyn Bridge tour must have been a logistical nightmare.  They needed one bus for the musicians and a whole other bus for their sideburns.

The Brooklyn Bridge’s biggest hit, “Worst That Could Happen”, was a Jimmy Webb composition inspired by the demise of Webb’s romance with his high school sweetheart Suzy Horton.  (Webb may not have been able to find his cake recipe from “MacArthur Park” again, but he knew how to reuse a song recipe.)  However, this is more than just your standard mopey ballad about heartbreak.  In “Worst That Could Happen”, the narrator bemoans his ex-girlfriend’s impending marriage to another man – while at the same time admitting that he didn’t want to marry her anyway!  He is like a kid who loses interest in a toy, but then throws a tantrum when another child starts playing with it.  Not only that, he describes this predictable turn of events as the worst thing that could possibly happen to him.  Given the severity with which he perceives it, we must assume that he is desperately working on a plan to prevent it.  Everyone will know who to blame when a suspicious fire consumes the wedding gazebo at Hugh’s Hitching Hollow on the morning of the ceremony.

The song’s premise is narcissistic to the point of delusion, as the guy thinks he’s the main character in this tragedy.  It’s “the worst that could happen to me.”  Dude, nothing is happening to you.  I don’t think you were even invited to the wedding.  I’m more sympathetic to the groom’s coworker who waited too long to buy a gift and now the only item left on the registry is a $200 set of spaghetti forks.  Or the bride’s sister’s boyfriend, who is missing his Saturday poker game for this boring shit.  Jimmy Webb should have written a song from that man’s perspective:

I have to go all the way to Toledo
It’s 400 miles by car
They’re making me wear a goddamn tuxedo
My reward is a crappy cash bar
It isn’t the worst that could happen to me
But it’s the worst thing that’s happened so far

Now that we’ve ripped this song apart in a tedious manner, let’s ponder the Brooklyn Bridge’s performance of it.  I have to wonder if their rendition of “Worst That Could Happen” was some sort of government works project designed to give jobs to as many musicians as possible.  If so, the three horn players and three male backup singers would make an excellent target for DOGE.  They serve mainly to add melodrama to a situation that calls for none.

The most enjoyable aspect of the recording is the lead singer, the fortuitously named Johnny Maestro, who should have been a bigger star than he was.  He singlehandedly salvages this production with vocals that are powerful and expressive but which don’t completely comport with the unjustified envy and anguish of Webb’s lyrics.  Imagine if this had been a more upbeat composition titled “Best That Could Happen”, in which the man welcomes the ex-girlfriend’s marriage and gleefully enters into a throuple arrangement with her and her new husband.  Johnny Maestro wouldn’t have needed to emote much differently.

We never got to hear how the Brooklyn Bridge would have doo-wopped and trumpeted their way through that delightful three-way scenario.  They might have turned the throuple into an eleven-uple if given the chance.  Although polyamory was not yet something that could be discussed in a top ten hit in the 1960s, you know what wasn’t too controversial for pop radio?  A ballad dedicated to a supporter of the Nazis.  We’ll be covering it shortly.

My rating:  4 / 10